How To Deal When He Didn't Choose You

No matter how strong a heterosexual woman is, it is always hard to watch the guy that she wants fall in love with another woman, especially if the two already had a friendship. Let's talk about it.
You may have not immediately fallen for this guy at first sight; however, after spending so much time with him, your feelings grew stronger. You found yourself liking random, weird things about him like his colloquial accent or the way his face looks when he thinks. You picked up on certain gestures that were unique to him and found yourself sneaking glances at him as he sat across from you on his phone. As he texted on his phone, you wondered who he was texting and if there was a way that you could causally get him to bring it up in non-obvious conversation. You couldn't just ask upfront because you two weren't anything official. 
Even though you had growing feelings for him, you guys were still just friends. 

I'm sure that these lines got blurred with all of the time that you two spent together. Late night study and grind sessions in the library or coffee shop, Netflix and chills minus the chills, late nights turning into accidental sleepovers with breakfast the next morning. He had to have had feelings. There's no way that he didn't right?
Enter new girl, stage left. She seemed to come out of nowhere and screw up your whole routine. 

Those "good morning. Hope you have a good day" texts from your guy friend that you depended on started to become few and far between. Now, you have to text him to make sure that he is even alive and you feel manic as you wait for his reply. Those late night sessions become strained as he either ditches them all together or brings the new girl to join you as if nothing is out of the ordinary. Those Netflix nights and next morning breakfasts transform into lonely stood up nights that you can barely take. You search for something mind-numbing to watch as you curse his name in your head, throw your phone across the room, swear that you won't answer if he texts you, yet check it periodically at the off chance that he calls.
You feel crazy and irrational and therefore start to act outside of your personality when you are around him. It's as if your emotional switch is broken and you feel like you are constantly PMSing any time you are around him or think about this new girl. Then comes the social media stalking. What does he even see in this girl? Maybe she's attractive or seemingly more "typical girly" than you are. Maybe you're slightly intimidated by her or maybe you aren't. 
Either way, you know that he would be happier with you, so why doesn't he see that?

This is probably one of the hardest emotional realities that you've dealt with in a while and your heart probably hurts when you think about it too hard. While every situation is different, I will say one thing: he's not the one for you. Depending how much you like this guy, you will probably try to be his friend, hoping that one day, he'll wake up and realize that you were the one all along; however, it doesn't work that way. 

Staying friends with a guy that you like that doesn't have mutual feelings for you will only make you miserable. 
You'll always feel like you're competing with his new girl for time, which could put him in a situation that forces him to choose between you or her. You probably feel like his allegiance should lie with you because you've known him longer; however, he still chose her. Also, any chance of you finding love elsewhere will go out the window because you are secretly waiting for him to choose you one day.
The healthiest thing to do in this situation is to first realize that no matter if he sees it or not, you are an amazing woman. It can be easy to compare yourself to his new girl, but there is no comparison. She's not better than you as you are not better than her. You're both two souls looking for matching flames, so hating her or doing little things to sabotage her relationship won't do anything beneficial. 
What you should focus on is regaining your self-identity because whether or not you want to admit it, you lost a little bit of your identity seeking this guy's approval. Once you take the focus off of him and turn it back on yourself, you'll realize that you don't deserve to be someone's second choice. Even if he does one day realize that you are a great woman, he still chose her while you were right there the whole time.
You deserve to be someone's first choice, not anyone's afterthought. Work on yourself and your needs so that you at least have a chance to attract the right person.
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Quirky, Brown Love is a media outlet for quirky, brown millennials. EST 2014.

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