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Most of the time, I feel confused with my love life and what should actually take place in it. I am what they call a creative, I write and tell stories, but sometimes it’s hard for me to express myself without using these outlets.
This is especially hard when I am dating because people expect certain things from me. I really don’t know what it is. It’s almost they expect something different from my appearance, that I’m supposed to be an air head poetic SZA of some sort, that doesn’t have any real opinions but goes with the flow. So I guess I disappoint because I’m real. I have thoughts and can blow your mind with in seconds (pun intended) So from my few years of dating because I’m only 24, I have came to the conclusion that in my twenties I’m not supposed to be in a relationship.
When encountering people of interest, we are never on the same page. It’s like no one wants the same things, dream the same dreams, or even laugh or get the same jokes as me.
It is hard because I want to connect with people on a different level and it seems like no one wants to with me. This goes back to me expressing myself because when I think I have made my point and we are moving forward it’s like taking three steps back. As a creative, it’s hard for me to find that one that really gets and understands me…maybe that’s why I’m still single….
I’m not a vulnerable person. It’s hard for me to be because I have been consistently have been lied too and guys are tired. I really don’t know how to anymore. When I start liking people I start getting uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do with myself. Should I call this person? Should I text them right now? Am I doing too much? Do they really like me as much as they say they do? I start to get nervous and I just kind of hit a wall.
Like, why do people think texting or being around someone all the time is healthy? We don’t have to talk every second of the day that’s fucking weird. If it happens cool but be busy, work, read something. Why doesn’t matter if the person doesn’t show you off on social media? That’s your business. I think social media and other peoples standards, twisted my vulnerability or lack there of into something that is toxic. That’s just something I have to work on. I’m getting better at it but I still don’t let me guard fully down anymore.
I am lusted for it seems like. Not seems…I know it.
I get the looks and even when I’m dealing with people it’s like I just want you at this moment…only when I want you not simply because I enjoy being around you and care for you. Not saying that these people did not care for me…but it was more of like if I can’t have you anyone else can. That is really sickening to me because I need to be liberated, I need to be free and when someone doesn’t give me my stimulation when I need it and for a person to deny me that right is torture. It’s becoming clearer to me as I go day by day. I think it’s because I’m so free with my sexuality and I’m just trying to become liberated. People want to take advantage of that and suck off my energy on to theirs like a leech. I guess I’m an energy giver…but that energy can be positive or negative…that’s one thing I can control. Sometimes I don’t know which one that is and that scares me.
I feel like this relationship/marriage thing may not be for me. I get off on vibes and connections, and those change daily.
So the people I am interested in change fast as well unless that connection is a really strong one. It’s weird because the connections I did have were really strong but they all faded for a good reason or another. But those moments I have had with them will last a lifetime.
I feel like I’m going to end up the Badu route, have babies by awesome creators but never get married. Cosmic shit.
Make sure to check out Kathryn's blog for more personal accounts.